Fathers?

Growing up without a Father. I don’t even know what a father figure suppose to do in Real life. But it doesn’t seems have any effect on the way i live now. I can only imagine in my another world that I made up. But still, I’m 100% clueless what a “Father” is suppose to do or feels like. Does this also have any effect on why I prefer Older man than the ones in my age? like a Daddy Issues and stuff?

“What does it feels like having a Father?”

I always imagine that i have the perfect family, A father who is a strong and capable man, A mother who is kind and perfect, and A big brother who is protective of his little sister. A perfect Family. With the King as a Surname. so my father’s name is Charles Alexander King, my mother’s name is Elena King, my brother’s name is Arthur King, and my name would be Jade King.

A Perfect Family. I would want to live in my other world forever. But to make it more like a reality, I made My Father and Mother die to a tragic accident and I live with my Brother Arthur. This is one of the many worlds that i have. I called them Dimensions or Time. The Kings is like on Victorian Era.

So, would you tell me, what is a father figure suppose to do? i mean, my mom once said she tried to be a “father” and a mother in the same time. but i didn’t seem to know the differences. Is there any differences beside the gender? well i’m not going to be all sexist about the gender stuff but, I’m just curious.

PS: Sorry for not updating in a long time, and about this night is because the Whiskey.. haha

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Masked

Waking up to a conclusion that I’m in denial for everything in this moment, like God, good people, trust, happiness, Love, etc. Maybe when I pass this phase i can accept everything again..
Just leave me alone and maybe i will figure out something..
And those emotions that i give you all are fake, why should i give fake emotions? Its my life but why i always wanted to please everyone? I can’t said “No” to almost everything. I’m not a Puppet but it feels like i am a puppet. I can’t show any emotions that I want to show, like sadness, anger. Why i can’t be angry to someone? Why should i put my emotions away for the delight of other people? Why should i suffer to make them happy? Why can’t i say what i want to say? Why?

*and the list of unanswered questions continue in my head*

This deep thoughts that always running in my head and i can’t stop it. And this is just a small portion from what’s really inside of me.

One Year

February 16th 2016.

My mom’s 1st Death Anniversary. One year full of rollercoaster ride. One faithful year that I have learn so much from everyone that is around me.

From my Friends, to my Enemy.

I gathered all of my Courage to go to her grave, not knowing what I will do or say to her. When I arrive, I was lost, I forgot where her grave located at. I arrive at 3 on the afternoon and just search and search for her grave until I find it.

Shocked is the first thing that comes, Anger is the second. My mom’s graveyard is not in a good condition. I was sad and angry, I don’t know what to do.

I tell her “Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I was afraid facing you, I feel very ashamed for my actions. I promise, if I have a job, I will make your grave clean and beautiful, I will fix this mom! I promise.”

I cried. I tell everything that I do for the past 1 year, and what secrets that I have been hiding from her. I cried and cried until my eyes are red and puffy.

It was so quiet and peaceful I never want to leave her grave, I was alone. I am alone.

I apologize for everything that I have done, and the things that I can’t do too please her. I ask her to give me direction and blessing for my Career and my Life.

It was 6pm, it’s getting dark. I get hold of myself and bid her goodbyes

“I have to go now mom, it’s getting dark. I hope I could meet you again, Goodbye my Mom, I Always Love You Mommy! And I’m Sorry…”

With that I hold back my tears, smile and left.

“Friend”

Friend

What is it? Do you really know what a real friend is? I don’t.

I always do a test for my friend. Because I don’t want to get left behind when my heart already set on them. The test is asking the same question for at least 5 times in different time. One of the question that I ask is “what if I do suicide?” well the answer is good at first, like “don’t do it!”,”hang on, you can do it!”,”you will able to get through this” and etc.

What if you ask that question 5 more times in a different time, will the answer change? Well maybe you hope that It didn’t change, but you can’t always got what you want it. One of my friend said “if you’re not scared then do it! Don’t just looking for attention.” And in that condition what will you do? Maybe you will think “don’t asking the same question then if you don’t want your friends to be angry with you.”

Well at that time I really start feeling want to die, and hearing that from you so called “friend” really gets me more mentally broken. I didn’t expect hearing that from her. In the middle of my cutting, one of my friend barge into my house and drag me out from the bath room into my bed, I begin crying and he just hug me tightly, even though I already struggling to get loose, he pin me down to my bed until I’m calmer and feel asleep.

But that kind of friendship is not what I’m looking for. I really need someone that will be beside me when I’m happy and when I have my mental-breakdowns. Its not easy to find, but I found one person and now even though I don’t have any motivation to live, I make him my motivation to live. So if he leaves me, maybe I will really kill myself or living without a direction.

Its better dying then living without anyone to hold on to. For me I guess.

So, do you really know what kind your friend is? If maybe your friends have done the test like I do, please don’t leave them behind. Please always be there when they need you. Yes, You! Whoever reading this. Once you shatter your friends trust, it’s hard to get them back. I learn that the hard way.

My Cyruss

22nd of December 2015

I’ve been friends with him almost 1 year and I still don’t believe it when he has ask me out to become his girlfriend. He is the most patience person that i know when handling with my bipolar emotions.

Even though I’m really happy I’m still scared because I don’t want to lose him, ever. He stopped me from suicide once. I was surprised by his reaction. I really love him. but the thing is, I always burden him even before we are dating.

Even since everything changes I always burden everyone that near me. I bring bad luck to everyone in near me. Maybe because my mom always tell me to not burden anyone, and since she die I really lose someone I can rely on to so I always searching for someone I can rely on. But that’s making me burden them more.

You know I don’t have any motivation for living anymore, but I promise my Bf that I will continued to live for him. I don’t anyone that I love have to feel what I feel. The feel of losing hope, depressed, alone, dying every time you think of the one that you lose. Its hard I know, he is helping me also but, I have a feeling he will leave me, so if the time comes what should I do? I will able to kill myself because I’m alone again right?

I always conceal every emotion that I had until I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I can’t cry in front of people, I always think that crying is for the weak, I have to be strong, no I have to look strong so they won’t pity me. I’m not worthy of pitying. I don’t know what happiness is , all that I wish right now is get an Amnesia or something so I don’t have to remember all the bad memories and all about my mom.

I wish I can just forget! But no, this Depression making me not to forget anything and make it worst every memory of my mom becoming the painful one. No more happy memories. I’m really tired for living like this. And for my Bf, I hope you have many patience for me, please bear with me because I am trying my hardest right now and maybe you don’t see it but I’m struggling.

I’m sorry if I can’t tell you what I feel because its not easy to explain and I don’t know how to explain it. I really don’t know how. I need your help through this. I’m not trying to be secretive, but its very hard. Please help me! I always Love You!

Resemblance

1st of December is World AIDS Day. I personally will unconsciously support any person that have AIDS or HIV in it. I believe that someday there will be a cure for them. Sure, that disease is like a death sentence, but you can learn many things from them, like to never give up, or there’s always a meaning behind every event, and many more.

I know a woman, she’s a smart, strong, kind, fierce, independent and many other good things to describe her. Almost everyone called her “Mom”. She’s has a HIV. The first time I know she has that I was surprised like “how can she’s still smiling?” I pity her once, but I feel bad about pitying her, so I just keep supporting her. I looked up to her because of her spirit to live on.

She has a child, and its a relieve because her child doesn’t have the disease. She is one of the strongest person I know. She really reminds me of my mom in so many way. It’s a little hard to see her resemblance my mother so much, makes me think about my mom. She always take care everyone around her, even me. She came to my house and cooked for me once. It was nice.

I make a mistakes and I purposely make her angry with me so she will leave me. Because I thought she already has many in her mind, so I feel like I can’t burden her anymore. I always remember what my mom told me “you’re really killing me slowly.” And she died. That’s why I can’t burden anyone else because I’m afraid they’re going to die because of me, like my mom. Stupid thinking right?

I really care about her. Even though I don’t talk to her, I still always asking people around about her condition. Like when lately she have headache I really worried about her. I don’t really pray, but I always praying for her health. I feel comfortable around her. Feel the warmth of a mother. No wonder everyone called her “Mom” right? I admire her a lot. I have apologize to her about get her angry and doesn’t appreciate what she is doing. Actually I really appreciate what she is doing for me, I just don’t know how to say it or show it.

So mom, if you reading this, I’m really sorry and if there’s anything I can do for you, let me know. I wish I could take care of you…

I miss the old times…

I miss you!

Secrets Part 3

Just a small mistake makes him very angry. He even block her from his contact. She felt like a little puppy who lost her master. She felt abandoned. She started making more mistakes in her life. She’s back to the beginning, without anyone by her side that can tell her to do things right. She tried to apologize, but when she is there and say a word, he ignored her like she isn’t there. Her heart is broken.

She’s depressed now, she don’t know what to do. She tried to make more attention by cutting her wrist and her thighs. She just want to end this pain that’s in her heart. She trust him so much, but sometimes she’s scared that he will tell her secrets to everyone. She just keep trusting him that he will not tell anyone. Like he promise to do.

She’s got an idea for just end her life. She’s just too tired to continue her life that was filled with bad things. She tried to let him go because she doesn’t want to cause anymore trouble for him and his family. The date is set. She already prepare everything, well almost everything. The last is giving him a goodbye and apologizing note.

And with finishing that note she killed herself.

He was on his way to her house at that moment. He didn’t know that behind that door she’s already gone. He knock for several times, there was no answer. He knock that door down and shock by the scene. He rush toward her and he realize she’s gone. He read the note and cried.

“Hi,

I’m very sorry for what I did. I’m very happy when you accept me and my past. I wish you and your family all the Happiness and the Love. I hope your children doesn’t have to feel what I feel, going through a wrong path. Please don’t be mean to them, always give them care and love. I appreciate what you have done to me, I’m very sorry…

Please don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s not your fault, its mine and my heart.

Thank you for everything!

I always Love you”

END