22nd of December 2015
I’ve been friends with him almost 1 year and I still don’t believe it when he has ask me out to become his girlfriend. He is the most patience person that i know when handling with my bipolar emotions.
Even though I’m really happy I’m still scared because I don’t want to lose him, ever. He stopped me from suicide once. I was surprised by his reaction. I really love him. but the thing is, I always burden him even before we are dating.
Even since everything changes I always burden everyone that near me. I bring bad luck to everyone in near me. Maybe because my mom always tell me to not burden anyone, and since she die I really lose someone I can rely on to so I always searching for someone I can rely on. But that’s making me burden them more.
You know I don’t have any motivation for living anymore, but I promise my Bf that I will continued to live for him. I don’t anyone that I love have to feel what I feel. The feel of losing hope, depressed, alone, dying every time you think of the one that you lose. Its hard I know, he is helping me also but, I have a feeling he will leave me, so if the time comes what should I do? I will able to kill myself because I’m alone again right?
I always conceal every emotion that I had until I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I can’t cry in front of people, I always think that crying is for the weak, I have to be strong, no I have to look strong so they won’t pity me. I’m not worthy of pitying. I don’t know what happiness is , all that I wish right now is get an Amnesia or something so I don’t have to remember all the bad memories and all about my mom.
I wish I can just forget! But no, this Depression making me not to forget anything and make it worst every memory of my mom becoming the painful one. No more happy memories. I’m really tired for living like this. And for my Bf, I hope you have many patience for me, please bear with me because I am trying my hardest right now and maybe you don’t see it but I’m struggling.
I’m sorry if I can’t tell you what I feel because its not easy to explain and I don’t know how to explain it. I really don’t know how. I need your help through this. I’m not trying to be secretive, but its very hard. Please help me! I always Love You!