What is it? Do you really know what a real friend is? I don’t.

I always do a test for my friend. Because I don’t want to get left behind when my heart already set on them. The test is asking the same question for at least 5 times in different time. One of the question that I ask is “what if I do suicide?” well the answer is good at first, like “don’t do it!”,”hang on, you can do it!”,”you will able to get through this” and etc.

What if you ask that question 5 more times in a different time, will the answer change? Well maybe you hope that It didn’t change, but you can’t always got what you want it. One of my friend said “if you’re not scared then do it! Don’t just looking for attention.” And in that condition what will you do? Maybe you will think “don’t asking the same question then if you don’t want your friends to be angry with you.”

Well at that time I really start feeling want to die, and hearing that from you so called “friend” really gets me more mentally broken. I didn’t expect hearing that from her. In the middle of my cutting, one of my friend barge into my house and drag me out from the bath room into my bed, I begin crying and he just hug me tightly, even though I already struggling to get loose, he pin me down to my bed until I’m calmer and feel asleep.

But that kind of friendship is not what I’m looking for. I really need someone that will be beside me when I’m happy and when I have my mental-breakdowns. Its not easy to find, but I found one person and now even though I don’t have any motivation to live, I make him my motivation to live. So if he leaves me, maybe I will really kill myself or living without a direction.

Its better dying then living without anyone to hold on to. For me I guess.

So, do you really know what kind your friend is? If maybe your friends have done the test like I do, please don’t leave them behind. Please always be there when they need you. Yes, You! Whoever reading this. Once you shatter your friends trust, it’s hard to get them back. I learn that the hard way.


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Jade Hanna

Only a girl with a twisted mind

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