My name is Eire. I was 15 when I was got this idea to write my own story. I’ve tried to write it since then, but many things got in the way. Recently my Mom died, when i was 16. It was the most confusing day of my life. Don’t worry, I’m 17 now. But the truth is nothing is becoming better.
Here we go, I was born in Jakarta, Indonesia on 9th of September 1998. My mom gives birth on her own without the company of my Father. My mom is really strong. She raised me until I’m 16, so 16 years plus 9 months on her belly. My story that most people know is sweet, fairy tale like. My mom will give me almost everything, she’s the best. She also good at keeping a secret from me either.
From I was a little kid my mom always said “if someone asks you where your father is, just said that he’s dead, so they will not ask much.” That sentence is always there in my mind like a spell. Until when I was 10 or something, I keep asking my mom about my father story, then she begins telling me that they separated, and maybe still alive. Truth hits me like a train. I was becoming sort of depressed. I’ve begin to cut my wrists. I can’t believe all the time she just lied to me like that. I join a Performing arts class and my teacher caught me while my hands are bleeding in the balcony. I was 12 years old. I told him what happened, and I ask him to keep it a secret from my mom.
I’ve becoming distant with my mom. I thought that it was fair for me to keep secrets too now. I was really disappointed with my mom. And wishing that she just be dead already. She in the other hand keeps meeting with some guys from all over the internet. I just don’t like it. It’s like my mom is a “Slut” or something. Until she meet this guy, that I will not forget what he did to her. He seems nice at first. But I just like straight don’t like him. I always tell my mom that I don’t like him but it seems that she is being drugged or something. He’s abusive. He is temperamental. He gets me and my mom more distant. I don’t like the fact that my mom cared more to the guy that she meets than her own daughter. I’m getting more wild and desperate to go out.
I was getting trigger to kill myself even more. I cut, eating pills, but I just can’t seem to die already. I’ve got a bad feeling that everything that I said will be come true. So I shift my mind to my new obsession for letting out the pain, its Music, Japanese and Korean stuff.
In school and around other people I look like an innocent little 15 years old girl that doesn’t know anything about the world. Only some people could see the real me. I used to get home like at 11 or something because it was better for me to go outside than at home. I always think of being killed on the road or being kidnapped or just get my organs sell to some black market somewhere, its much better than being at home.
Until I know this game called INGRESS. It’s a game that used GPS locating system so we have to walk to play this game. I meet new friends and get to see new places that my mom never takes me. I’m 16 years old and I’m going on my own adventures. My mom gets sick all of a sudden and things started to change.
I still don’t care about her, or my love for her doesn’t exist anymore. My mom gets kicked out from her own room by that guy. Because that guy feel disgust by my mom sickness. My mom has a diabetic so a small wound could turn into a big one. I feel just anger and that all of my dreams and my words came true and she still didn’t want to accept the fact. I leave her, and just keep being outside of the house more often.
Eventually she gets rid of the guy but her death is near. And on the 16th of February 2015 at 4.45pm she died. I was so relieve but confused in the same time. I have a feeling three days before she died, that she will die within a short moment. I still cut till this day. I can’t get my senses back. I’m tired of being Alive.
And now, until this moment i don’t know if i still loves her or hates her. I feel guilty and i don’t know what to do anymore.